Crystal: A Sequel to Winter Song
by The Drowned World
Summary: Two years have passed since that strange healing snow in Sunnydale, and it's time for the gang to reunite. Through the laughter and the tears, Xander, Angel and all of their friends have some lessons to learn about life and love. X/A slash; Human AU.
1. Introduction & Prologue: I Won't

**A/N:** Well, _this_ was unexpected! As most of you know if you've read the conclusion to _Winter Song_, I was being viciously attacked by writer's block the likes of which were of the incredibly painful kind. When I finally set myself down to finish Angel and Xander and rest of the gang's story, I realized that the reason I was struggling so hard was that the story I was trying to add on to was already finished, and that what I was writing was the beginning of a new story.

Funny how these little realizations can cause so much irritation and frustration, isn't it?

Therefore, I went trolling through my music files and just listened to what would inspire me in this stage of the story and Stevie Nicks' acoustic ballad "Crystal" from the soundtrack to _Practical Magic_ kicked in. This was just enough of a love ballad that detailed everything that the two had been through with just enough of that small-town acoustic theme from the movie running through it that it was everything that I was looking for. One week after realizing that I needed to start a new story and **bam!** I suddenly had a prologue, a first chapter, a title song, and the beginnings of a new playlist.

Oh, the triumph of overcoming writer's block!!!!

**Important Note:** I'm trying my hand out on professional authorship! Hah; what I mean is that I'm currently – aside from taking another composition class in which the professor sucks and I'm having to teach myself everything thanks to her ineptitude (grr!) – working on multiple pieces of both original fiction and fanfiction. I'm tired of leaving all of my readers hanging for so long, so you guys actually aren't going to see this until I'm at _least_ five chapters ahead of myself. Meaning, when I finish typing up chapter four, I'm going to post this prologue. Then I plan to post once a week, barring further cases of writer's block.

I waited until Tuesday this week because I wanted to start this on December the first, because Christmas is my favorite time of year. I'll start posting on Mondays after this. Well, that should be everything, so:

Off we go to the introduction!

Buffy/Angel _[Winter Song Universe]_:

_Crystal, a Sequel to Winter Song_

by PyroPadawan (Pfenix-Goddess)

**Fandom:** _Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel the Series; this story takes place in the same alternate human universe established in "Winter Song," wherein Sunnydale, California is a tiny little town where everybody knows everybody else, a town that's mentality has slowly begun to change in a more positive light over the past couple of years._

**Disclaimer:** _Does anyone even read these things anymore? Anyway, the concept and characters of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel the Series" – two of the greatest television shows to grace the small screen, thank you very much – were created by the mastermind of Joss Whedon, although the character of Faith was created by David Greenwalt, if I'm not mistaken. In any case, although this is an alternate universe where I've changed everything out of the supernatural, the initial concept and characters still belong to Mr. Whedon and Mutant Enemy and Fox and whoever else has rights. These are their characters I'm playing with, because if they were my characters Xander and Angel would have been together for the course of the entire series. Sigh. ;)_

**Rating: M** (_for sex – both straight and gay – and language_)

**Warnings:** _Human AU, Angel/Xander slash, Buffy/Riley, Willow/Tara slash, Spike/Faith, religious themes_

**Plot:** _Two years after the events of "Winter Song," Angel and Xander honor their promise to find each other, and their homecoming brings together a full circle in the small, transformed town of Sunnydale._

**Notes:** _This picks up about two years after "Winter Song" ended. The tile is taken from Stevie Nicks' song "Crystal." The same deal with "Winter Song" will work with "Crystal," in that we are again dealing with essentially a large songfic and a footnote will be added with the complete soundtrack to wrap it up, although there won't be a bonus one-shot at the end unless I'm feeling writing a different couple-centric story._

**Ensemble:**

**Xander Harris**: The main protagonist. Xander has finally come to terms with himself and left Sunnydale and his parents behind to carve out a new life for himself in Phoenix, Arizona. He's beginning to grow up and is slowly starting to realize that to finish moving on with his life, he has to confront his past.

**Angelus "Angel" McCarthy**: The man who is in love with Xander and the love of Xander's life. Angel has been seeing a therapist for the past few years and is finally beginning to move past all of the darkness in his life. Now that he has a stable career doing what he loves, he's ready to find Xander, the only thing that's missing in his life.

**Buffy Summers-Finn and Riley Finn**: Buffy is one of Xander's best friends from Sunnydale, and Riley is Buffy's husband from Iowa. He's since moved to Sunnydale and is a sergeant on the Sunnydale police force. Buffy is the daughter of **Joyce Summers**, who has become something of the 'mother bear' of Sunnydale, who helps with everything from the food pantry to the local adoption center.

**Willow Rosenberg and Tara McClay**: Willow is Xander's best and oldest friend in Sunnydale, and Tara was in Xander's church group. The two have now moved in together and own "The Magic Box," the first pagan store in Sunnydale's environs. The two have been together for three years now.

**William "Spike" Jerman and Faith Lehane**: Spike is one of Xander's old friends who shared a dark relationship with Angel. Since then, they've both moved on and Spike is in a much more stable relationship with Faith, a tough South Boston girl who shares many elements of Spike's past.

**Cordelia Chase**: Once Xander, Willow and Buffy's enemy, Cordelia allowed herself to drop her guard and become friends with the three, renouncing her shallow compatriots. Since her family lost all of their money, Cordelia has been forced to take care of herself and, in finding sanity in self-reliance, has grown into a strong and capable young woman.

**Tony and Jessica Harris**: Jessica and Rev. Tony Harris are Xander's parents, and they were the founders of Sunnydale Baptist Church, reviving Sunnydale to an extremely strict and intolerant evangelical southern baptist brand of Christianity. Since Xander's leaving, the Church has been closed, and Tony has fallen back to his old demon of alcoholism while Jessica struggles to pick up the pieces.

**Drusilla Campbell**: Once the lover of both Angel and Spike, with more problems than any of them, and miles to go before she can finally rest.

_One small town, fourteen lives, and the love big enough to hold them all together..._

_**Crystal**_

Prologue: I Won't

_So, maybe you're not right for me_

_Or maybe it's just hard to see_

_'Cause I get lost in your beauty_

_And I just stop questioning_

_._

_'Cause when you took my heart_

_You took it all_

_And when you gave it back_

_It fell apart_

_So_

_._

_I won't do what you told me_

_I won't do what you said, no_

_I'm not gonna stop feeling_

_I'm not gonna forget_

_I don't wanna start over_

_I don't wanna pretend that_

_You are not my lover_

_That you're only my friend_

_I won't_

"I Won't" by Colbie Caillat (_Breakthrough_)

Two years after the snow fell in Sunnydale, Angel began his search for Xander.

Of all the things that he hadn't faced when he'd turned to Spike and Drusilla for forgetfulness, for sex, for drugs and crimes, his therapist, a kind and gentle yet very firm woman named Jenny Calendar, insisted that he had faced all of the things but his relationship with Xander.

"Angel," she said calmly, taking her reading glasses off and regarding him with her no-nonsense stare, "when you first came to me you were a mess, but you were a hopeful mess. You knew you were in trouble and you came here because you wanted to get _out_ of trouble. That's a big step. We've talked about your dark times with your friends William and Drusilla, we've talked about Darla, we've talked about Connor." She paused, as if waiting for him to wince, but he didn't. It was still painful to think about these things, but they didn't completely consume him any longer. Instead he waited. Angel had gotten much better at waiting, these past years. Where before he had just took and took until there was nothing left to take, too mired in his selfish desires to wonder if his pain was affecting anyone else around him, now he understood that it was alright to wait for something.

"But the one subject you almost always steer away from is Xander Harris," she continued. "All I know about Xander are the happy things, how you felt when you were with him, how he helped you. But about anything else, you clam up. And, in therapy, clamming up is about as helpful as drinking Tabasco to cool off." He sighed and looked away from her large, truthful doe brown eyes. Dr. Calendar was a beautiful woman, petite and soft with lovely brown gypsy skin and soft raven hair that she kept short and styled. But it was her eyes that really got you; she had a knack for putting people at ease when she spoke, of getting the most guarded to drop their guard.

"I know," Angel said unwillingly after a moment of silence.

"You say 'I know,'" she said exasperatedly, "and yet you're still all with the brooding silence. We've talked about how helpful brooding has been for you in the past."

"Unhelpful," Angel elucidated, staring at the ground. Somehow whenever he was in here Angel felt like he was fourteen years old again, back at St. Mary's Catholic School with Sister Margaret glaring at him balefully from her front desk.

"So, then, let's stop the brooding and start the...okay, that sentence is _way_ too hokey for me to even finish it with a straight face," Dr. Calendar sighed. Angel snorted, and when he looked up her eyes were crinkling in that friendly way that they had when he'd told her about the first time he'd made love to Darla. He smiled and stared out of the window at the gentle, teasing California sun that reminded him of Xander's smile. There were parts of this story that were painful, parts that he didn't want to talk about, but at the core of it was _Xander_, something Angel could carry in his heart like one of Willow's enchantments.

"The first night I saw Xander was the strangest thing that had ever happened to me. I'd never believed in that love at first sight crap. I was...with Drusilla. That morning she'd had one of her fits and before I knew it she and Spike and I were in bed. Spike was breaking faster than I was, at that point. After it was over he just flew out of the apartment and he called me later that night to say that he was starting his job as the DJ over at the Bronze, and that he was meeting some old friends there and they'd invited me along.

"Dru and I left, even though she was trying to get me to...to stay in with her, that night." Angel paused, willing his fists to unclench. Jenny said nothing, nor did she write anything down. It wasn't necessary; she was letting the story unwind from Angel the way that it needed to be. "I walked in and the lights flashed over the crowd, and I remember thinking that it was so...so inexplicable that they'd hit _him_ just at that right moment, but they did, and he was staring at me, and our eyes met and then there was just _something_ there, something big and undefinable and more powerful than anything in my life, not my father or sister or mother or even Darla.

"I didn't like the feeling. It was like I had this responsibility to him, this need to introduce myself and hear him speak. So when Spike came over with all of the rest of the gang and Buffy introduced herself, I let myself be interested in her. Buffy's very beautiful, you know, and she was...what's the word – vivacious, that was it. Xander left pretty quickly and I let myself forget him by talking to Buffy, and before the night was over I had her phone number. I used to be good at playing that game.

"So I started dating Buffy. It was stupid, really; she was more into it than I was, and I was still with Spike and Dru, and feeling more and more sorry for myself." Angel's voice hardened in self-disgust. "But almost every time I met up with Buffy _he_ was there. And I'd find myself waiting to ask her out until I knew that she was hanging out with her friends. And I thought that he didn't like me at first, the way he avoided me – we couldn't even say two words to each other, really; and I'd end up being even more angry at myself for trying to see him.

"I _tried_ to care about Buffy that way! But I couldn't really care about anyone when I was trying to lose myself all the time, trying to take care of Dru, trying to stop Spike from leaving us. And then, one night, I'd had another fight with Spike and Dru and walked out, so I was alone, starting to drink, and there was a knock on the door. I don't know how to even describe what I felt when I opened the door and _he_ was there, the moon behind him like a crown around his head, like he was bathed in this, this _light_ that I shouldn't even try to touch because I could kill it, the darkness around me could infect it. But the look on his face when he saw how depressed I was, it was like I wanted to be _better_ for him, to guard that light and make him smile. I'd never seen Xander smile before.

"He's beautiful. You wouldn't think that he is, but he is. He's got this big goofy grin that'll make you feel better, and these big brown puppy dog eyes, and golden skin and curves everywhere they're supposed to be, and lips..." Angel trailed off, embarrassed, but Jenny gave him an encouraging smile. "He was so embarrassed, I suppose, walking and seeing me there with my shirt off, drinking, he just started babbling, and you never really hear babble until Xander or Willow sets off. And I just couldn't help myself, I had to _touch_ that light so I just put my hand on those lips and it was like there was this _burst_ or a shock and it was the greatest feeling I'd ever felt.

"I...made him sit next to me, because I wanted to feel that again. We started talking and it was like this big bubble had grown up all around us and I was telling him everything about myself, things I hadn't even talked about with Spike and Dru, and he was holding my hand, helping me through it. And I told him about Darla, about _Connor_, and for the first time I had someone tell me that I _wasn't_ fucked up, that he thought I was a _good_ person, this boy who didn't even know me, and that was more golden than anything else; I hang onto him telling me that more than anything else.

"I kissed him, and...I can't even describe it, what it was like, what I was feeling. After, I felt so wretched – it was his first kiss, and I'd _used_ that to make myself feel better, and I was still dating Buffy, and he was so conflicted about everything that had happened, that I let him leave, even though it killed me. That next night, I wanted to forget him, forget this thing that was so big and unstoppable between us that I used Buffy to do it. I took her virginity from her just to try to get away from myself, and Xander was so _hurt_ by it, and so was she, because she _wasn't_ ready, and I felt like pond scum.

"And I couldn't stop talking about him, and Dru was getting furious and taking it out on everyone and Spike kept trying to get me to leave him alone, and that was when things at home were finally breaking, things that should've broken a long time ago. I was confused and angry, and the next time I saw Xander I _hurt_ him and he ran away from me and..." Angel's voice broke. It was still bad, thinking about that night, about the look in Xander's eyes and the bruise he'd left on his boy's face.

"Go on," Jenny said, after he was silent for a moment. Her eyes didn't judge him, and he valued that more than anything. Angel nodded and fixed his gaze on the beautiful day outside before he continued.

"Me and Buffy had an argument, and she told me we were on a break, whatever the hell that meant, and every night I'd just take Dru or Spike or both and try to tell myself that it was all as comforting as it'd been a few years ago, but I couldn't ignore how much we were fighting or how deep Drusilla was trying to dig her claws into both of us, and I knew that Spike was unhappy and it was killing me because I do love Spike, just not like...anyway, I started drinking again, I'd lose some days, I'd keep some others. I was working nights at a grocery store to make ends meet, and I was miserable, and then, one night, Xander was at my door.

"He made me look at myself and see how I was just letting myself fall apart, and he made me ashamed. He dumped out the beer and made me take a shower, and then I was kissing him again because that was all I'd been thinking about, and he kissed me back and for a moment it was just bliss. I tried to push him away again but he wouldn't let me. He...he told me he loved me," Angel said in wonder. "And it was pure, and good, and unselfish, and everything that I wasn't but everything that I wanted to be. So we said we'd see each other, and...

"And, then, Dru came home and she just...she just went _crazy_, and I was sleeping with her again, and then Spike was home and he came to bed too, and it was just so _wrong_, so bad, and Spike and I lost...well, you know, and Dru just _exploded_. That was when Spike said that he was leaving, and that he was leaving us. It was like getting a hole punched through you, and of course Dru wasn't making things any better, and then Xander walked in.

"Me and Spike fought, of course, and then I did the wrong thing again and I hurt him again. He left with Spike and I felt like he was rejecting me for Spike, or something, and I just went on a bender, and I ended up back at the apartment that night fucked up on god knows what and there's Dru, waiting for me, fighting me all the way to the bedroom, and it was hard and dirty and just the way she liked it and it was like I was _punishing_ myself with sex, like every thrust into her hurt as much as I needed it to.

"Spike had brought Xander back, and they walked in, and Xander said my name and the _hurt_, the _pain_ in his voice and in his eyes when he saw me there...I've never hated myself more than in that exact moment. I tried to follow him but he left, and Dru left, and Spike left, and I was alone, and angry and bitter and scared. That night was when I finally let myself realize that I'd fallen in love with Xander, somehow, someway somewhere. And I knew that Spike and Dru and I were over, that we had been for months but that none of us had been able to let go till now.

"So I cleaned myself up and I went to Xander's to apologize a few days later. He let me in, too, which was more than I deserved. He just...held me, and he forgave me, and he let me talk about everything that I needed to say, everything that I wanted to say. We went to his bedroom and for the first time I was in someone's bedroom, in their bed, and they didn't expect me to perform like a dog. He just held me, and let me hold him, and all of our clothes were on, and I was closer to him in that moment than I'd been to anyone, ever, my whole life.

"And he told me that he loved me, too, and that he was going to give me time to heal myself, because he wouldn't be my crutch the way that I'd used Spike and Dru as a crutch. And I told him that I'd show him we could be together, and he promised that he'd wait for me."

"And that was when you started coming to me," Jenny interjected, and Angel jumped; sometimes, Jenny was so quiet it was hard to remember that she was there. Jenny laughed at him gently, and she looked away as he discreetly wiped his eyes.

"Yeah, that was when I came to you, and when I went to AA, and when I applied for a semester at UC Sunnydale," Angel acknowledged.

"And, of course, when you started fighting with Drusilla," Jenny pointed out. Angel nodded. They didn't keep talking about it, though; she'd helped him through that ordeal. The night he'd finally been forced to call the police to get Drusilla away from him, it'd been Jenny who he'd called first, and then Spike. Spike had been golden that night, helping him clean, picking up the pieces.

"_You're really gonna do all of this for Xander?" Spike asked skeptically, after they'd finished cleaning the mess. Angel regarded him seriously._

"_Not just for Xander, Spike. He made me see that I need to do this for myself, too." Spike nodded wisely, and he fixed Angel with a serious look._

"_I needed to do it for myself, too, mate," Spike said. He clutched Angel's shoulder and Angel grinned at him weakly. "You've made some good steps. But there's something I need you to understand: I'm not your competition for Xander because he's like my little brother. You hurt him, and I'll kill you, and if you get away from me you're gonna be running from Buffy, Willow, Tara, and Cordelia, and god knows you don't want them on your arse!" They both shared a chuckle at that._

"_I'd never hurt him, Spike," Angel vowed. "I love him."_

"_Good," Spike said. "He deserves that. And call me a pouf, but you do too." Angel leaned in and kissed him, one last time, and there was a moment when it was like their first kiss, before William had become Spike, and Spike kissed him back gently, before they both broke apart. It was a healing kiss, it was a goodbye._

"_So do you, Spike," Angel said softly._

"_Don't you worry about me, old man," Spike said, punching him lightly on the arm. "Just...call me, next time, please, when Dru goes off the deep end."_

"_I will. And, Spike? Thank you," Angel said. "For...everything."_

"_You're my friend, Angel. Not more than that, but not less," Spike explained. They hugged each other solemnly before Spike took his leave, and then Angel was alone in the apartment, finally starting to pick the pieces of the picture back together._

"So what happened to Xander after you cleaned up, Angel?" Jenny prompted him, bringing him back to the present. Angel smiled. This was a good period, a grace period.

"I...courted him, the way my grand-da would've put it," he admitted, blushing. "We went all over Sunnydale, at night, you know, so his parents wouldn't find out. We went to the beach and I showed him my spot in the desert, and I picked him up for lunch from school. I'll never forget the smile on his face when I showed up. I lived for those lunch dates, you know? I think that he did, too. The only times that we ever fought were when I brought up his parents. I was so _mad_ at them, the way they wanted to force him to do all this shite that he didn't want to do, how he couldn't...

"Anyway, it went really good for a few months, but he was just getting tenser and tenser the closer he got to graduation day, because his parents...well, you've met Tony Harris before. He just rejected everything that Xander said, everything he _was_ that didn't jive with their view of religion. By the end of April Xander was a prisoner in his own home, and he still wouldn't admit that his parents had done anything wrong! It all really came to a head the night he spent the night at my apartment.

"That was the day I called you about the fight I had with Drusilla; she'd come back and tried to make everything the way it was, and I told her I was clean, that I wasn't doing that anymore, and she completely lost it, broke down sobbing like I hadn't seen her cry before, and it was just...it hurt, you know? But I'd tried to get her to therapy, tried to get her to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, and it just wasn't taking. She won't admit that she has a problem, won't admit that...well, anyway, Xander showed up after he fought with his parents and we almost...went farther, but, I think that...I hope that I could have stopped it. We weren't ready, at least, I wasn't, not after...everything."

"That's a mature decision, Angel," Jenny said approvingly.

"Well, it didn't much matter because Dru stormed back in and attacked him anyway. I got her out of there, but he was shook up, and so was I. He spent the night, in the bed with me on the couch. That morning..." he smiled stupidly. "It was the best morning of my life, kissing him awake, making breakfast and coffee together, sharing the bathroom. It was the most _normal_ thing, and it made me weak in the knees, thinking that I wanted it to be like that and so did he.

"I took him to prom, sort of – we went up to the desert and I gave him my ring, and he always wore it, no matter what. After Drusilla outed him at the school he came out to his parents, and that night he showed up with a bruise on his face...We talked it out, and we slept together – not, you know, like that, but just touching. He left the next morning, and I told him that I'd wait for him. I haven't seen him in two years. And I haven't been with anybody since then. I tried, for a few weeks, with Cordelia, but we both agreed we were better as friends anyway. She told me she couldn't be with me because she could see the look in my eyes when I talked about Xander and that she remembered the same look on Xander's face when he talked about me."

"And have you seen or spoken to Xander since he left? Written letters, anything?"

"No," Angel admitted. "I don't know where he is, specifically – no one does. He sends postcards to Joyce – Buffy's mom – and she shares them with us. He's doing really good, it sounds like."

"It hurts you that he's doing good without you," Jenny stated.

"No!" Angel denied. "I'm glad! I...okay, a little, yeah. But I'm doing good too," he said defensively. "I just...miss him. I want to think that he misses me too."

"From what you've told me, I'd bet that he does. Angel, have you spoken to Drusilla since that night?"

"No," Angel said, confused.

"Well, that's probably a good thing," Jenny said. She paused to collect her thoughts before fixing him with a look. "But, you see, no matter how good you're doing – how clean, how many true friends, how successful – a life without someone to share it with is empty, particularly if you're still in love with someone. Distance shouldn't matter. You've hit the bottom harder than most people and with the help of Xander and yourself you've brought yourself right back up. It's time to finish righting yourself, and I don't think you're going to until you've kept your promise and found him."

"Do you believe in God?" Angel asked her, fingering the claddagh ring that he and Xander wore, a promise, a kiss, something under the moon that was as magic as everything else.

"Well..." Jenny said slowly. "I'm not a Christian, if that's what you mean. But I do believe in a higher power. There's too much wonder in this world to be explained. Why do you ask?"

"Xander believes in God. He believes so strongly...I want to believe, too, but I don't know if I can."

"I believe that there's something more going on between the two of you. I believe that two people can find each other when they're meant to, Angel, and the two of you seem to have come into each other's lives exactly when you were needed. If that was the work of God, who knows? But, maybe, Xander just wants you to have _faith_. Have faith that there is something else out there, bringing the two of you together – and have faith in Xander. If he loves you as much as you love him, he'll be waiting for you." Jenny smiled at him gently, and Angel was surprised to feel a grin spreading across his own face.

"Now, get out of her, Angel McCarthy. I'm giving you a clean bill of health, and I don't expect to see you here for a few months, at least." She stood up and shook his hand, her eyes mocking him gently with the laughter he found there. Angel grinned back, and then he was walking out of her office with his back straight and a smile on her face, feeling better than he had in months.

Find Xander. Maybe it wasn't going to be easy, but nothing worth it every was. He'd find him, and then he could go on with life from there. The sun fell on him on a brilliant day, and maybe, just maybe, that was God, too, pointing him on his way. Angel bowed his head and kept walking, but his smile just kept growing.

_But I say you lose when you give up what you love_

_And I've lived my life without you long enough, so_

_._

_I won't do what you told me_

_I won't do what you said, no_

_I'm not gonna stop feeling_

_I"m not gonna forget_

_I don't wanna start over_

_I don't wanna pretend that_

_You are not my lover_

_That you're only my friend_

_Oh, no, I won't_.

**A/N:** Okay, so that's been trying to get out of me for the past few months! Ugh! Overcoming writer's block can actually be almost as frustrating as _having_ it in the first place, once you realize what was blocking you! So, I know that this was almost a recap of _Winter Song_, but it was kind of necessary, and it's good to have Angel's point of view, too.

Coming next chapter: Where Xander's been, what he's been up to, and the choice he's going to have to make.

Peace and love, y'all, and I'll see ya next chapter!


	2. Chapter 1: Thank You

**A/N:** Okay, so we're going to jump back into Xander's POV here, but I'd like to point out that _Crystal_ is a bit more of an ensemble piece than _Winter Song_ is; that is, Angel and Xander's relationship is still at the center of the story but we'll be finding out more about Buffy and Riley, Willow and Tara, Spike and Faith, etc. So don't be surprised if we jump point-of-views a little bit in this story.

Again, I'll say, I'm including the song lyrics because I've written this like a giant song-fiction. I think the music adds more to the story when I read it back to myself, but if the lyrics distract you, you can skip past them without missing anything major to the story.

With all that out of the way, we'll jump into the next chapter of—

_Crystal_

Chapter 1: Thank You

_How about no longer being masochistic?_

_How about remembering your divinity?_

_How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out?_

_How about not equating death with stopping?_

_._

_Thank you, India_

_Thank you, Providence_

_Thank you, disillusionment_

_Thank you, nothingness_

_Thank you, clarity_

_Thank you, thank you, silence_

"Thank You" by Alanis Morissette (_The Collection_, or, _Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie_)

One thing about the Valley of the Sun that Xander hadn't prepared himself for was the unrelenting heat that hit you like a sucker-punch to the face as soon as you step outside of the air conditioning. He was used to it now, but still. Southern California had been more a gentle heat, like summer all the time. Phoenix was all about the desert. At least it was dry heat; there had been days when living close to the beach had been a curse with the humidity in the air. Sometimes he didn't even realize that they'd climbed above 100 degrees until he checked the thermometer.

Xander was sitting on the balcony of his small apartment (a luxury he almost couldn't afford, but he hadn't been able to resist) looking at his copy of the leasing papers and the check that had his monthly rent on it. He had lived in this apartment for nearly two _years_. He took a drink of coffee and sighed, cradling his head in his hands. It was almost unbelievable – no, it was surreal how little time seemed to have passed since leaving Sunnydale. At the same time, though, when he looked at himself in the mirror it was undeniable that time had passed and that it had changed him.

Somehow, after everything in Sunnydale, living on his own, Xander had grown up along the way.

* * *

That first taste of Phoenix had been like walking into an oven filled to the brim with sensation. Sunnydale was a more gentle, balmy heat, its people spread out, its parties few, the Bronze the only club in town. Phoenix was stuffed with people, and at night it shown like fire, a glittering jewel in the desert. Xander had stepped off of the bus on his own with nothing but a bag of few clothes and fewer possessions and $1,000 in his pocket. He'd walked through the streets like a country bumpkin, quickly lost and soon overwhelmed by all the lights, the clubs, the noise...

He'd stepped into the first church he saw and an extremely nice woman who was cleaning between the pews told him about a shelter where he could stay a night or two while he got his feet underneath him. From everything he'd seen on TV, Xander had nervously walked into the shelter expecting an overfull and filthy space stuck through with despairing people that the world (and soap) had forgotten about. What he'd found instead was a light, clean, briskly operated space that allowed transients like himself to stay for a maximum of two nights before being rotated. They even had a counselor, a therapist named Dr. Lenoy who volunteered there for a couple of hours at night after his daytime patients.

"Why are you here, Xander?" Dr. Lenoy had asked him, not wasting time on pleasantries. "If you're a runaway, the standard practice is to simply call the police and haul you back home."

"I'm turning eighteen in less than a month," Xander said. "I'm just looking for a place to stay while I get a job."

"Well, at least you aren't expecting to be handed everything," said Lenoy. He gave Xander a sardonic grin and Xander found that he liked the man immensely. After another few moments, he'd found himself spilling his guts over the entire story. Lenoy was an excellent listener; he just let Xander get it out of his system without interrupting with cliched _mmhmm's_ or _tell me more about that's_. Once Xander finished with his final journey out of Sunnydale, Lenoy was quiet for a few moments.

"You know it was somewhat cowardly to not return to your parents before you left and having a final 'chat' about your decision to leave," he said finally. Xander looked down, ashamed. "Not that it would have done much good, I'm afraid. But I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell everyone in your situation – that time is the greatest catharsis. You don't blame yourself for your parents' problems, which takes some of the stress out of _my_ situation. What you need to do is what you were planning to do: find a job, get a place to stay. And once you're an adult who can prove that he can maturely make decisions for himself, provide for himself, and keep a roof over his head, you'll know exactly what to do."

It had felt like something of a contract. Xander had walked out of the office with a brochure of different job openings, however temporary, all over Phoenix. His first night at the shelter, he knelt next to the cot they'd allowed him to stay on and prayed to God to provide guidance, and he prayed for everyone back in Sunnydale, just like he'd done every night as far back as he could remember. He fell asleep with his bag clutched to his chest.

The next day (after checking his bag and finding with immense relief that nothing had been stolen), Xander had headed out with purpose. His first stop was a small pizzeria that had been advertising for jobs at the shelter. They didn't require photo ID, which was nice, but they did need a social security number. After forging his father's signature for the first time in his life, Xander walked out with a job as an insider which he'd start that night.

Next, he took a leaf out of Larry's book and found the smallest, seediest motel that he could find with a two-mile radius of Gracie's Place Pizzeria. Sure enough, the front desk man didn't even ask for ID, or even for a social security number. It was fifty dollars a night for the room, so Xander paid the first bit in cash. By his estimates, if he ate very conservatively he should have just enough to keep him floating in the motel before his paychecks started cashing.

_It's not that unusual_

_When everything is beautiful_

_It's just another ordinary miracle today_

By the end of his first month, Xander was a master of pizza-making. He could flip dough balls around and top slices and everything else that Gracie asked him. Gracie herself was a large blonde woman with a hearty laugh who mocked her employees mercilessly, all without making anyone dislike her. The pizzeria didn't do a booming business per se, but they had enough regulars to keep them afloat and her employees paid. Xander did about thirty hours a week at seven dollars an hour. He usually walked back to the hotel every other week with about $350 after taxes.

Xander had learned frugality at his parents' knees with the running of Sunnydale Baptist, so by the end of that month he'd skimmed enough on food to save $500 up. He celebrated his eighteenth birthday by going to the DMV and getting himself his first ever ID, which he used to start a bank account (which was a relief, as he'd been keeping his money in the tin in his duffel bag all that month). State laws said he had to wait till he was 19 to apply for a driver's license without going through driver's education, and he didn't have enough money for that.

When Xander stopped by the Manpower center to look for other work, he found a small construction company that was looking for skilled or unskilled laborers to help with building projects around Phoenix. He'd spent a few summers helping with construction back in Sunnydale, so he called and asked about not being able to drive himself to the sites. The manager, a man named Harold Clarke, was an immense bear of a man with a big grin and an even bigger heart. Xander liked him immediately.

Harold hired him after an interview and had him on as an official assistant, while Xander was busy learning the tools of the trade. He started working from five in the morning to noon with Clarke Construction, and then after a lunch break he started back at Gracie's Place from two to seven. Xander loved being outside in the Phoenix sunlight, day after day. He loved Gracie's Place but he lived for construction; there was something satisfying and almost touching about seeing a project he'd helped on become someone's home, someone's office. He shaped the wood and hammered the nails and screwed the screws and day after day the building became bigger and bigger until it was complete. Xander attached doors and hardware, staying after hours to polish doorknobs and cabinet hardware until they shone.

_The sky knows when it's time to snow_

_Don't need to teach a seed to grow_

_It's just another ordinary miracle today_

After his first year in Phoenix, Xander had saved enough money for the downpayment and he got his apartment. Construction, if done steadily, pays fairly lucratively, Xander had discovered, and so he was able to get a nice little one-bedroom 'studio,' with a decent kitchen, its own washer/dryer unit, and a small balcony just large enough for a table and a chair. He'd thrown in an extra $10 to get it screened, and he spent most of his mornings drinking coffee out there.

Each piece of furniture had been carefully picked from places like Goodwill, and he'd lovingly cleaned them until they were his. Xander was, in fact, quickly attached to his apartment – he'd never had a place of his own, and he chose what went on the walls. His stereo was in the living room and by bin-diving through used electronics stores he'd filled a shelf with his music albums, his movies, even a season of television or two. He still tensed to the sounds of sirens occasionally, but his neighborhood was very safe, and he gradually learned to sleep through them.

After a few months of his own space, Xander applied for his GED. He had to take remedial courses by night in science to make up for all of the sessions he'd skipped out on in high school. Every night, Xander would return to his apartment, his head spinning with atom molecules, so many tiny motes of creation infused with God's grace like a brilliant sun, too small to see yet vital to live. His teacher, appreciative of such a receptive student, loaned him books on the solar system, on human anatomy. Xander stared like a child at the maps of the human circulatory system, discovering how a heart functioned for the first time in his life.

He read about fighting for the cure for cancer, about fighting for the cure for AIDS, and he learned for the first time that the first person known to contract AIDS was in fact a heterosexual woman, long before it entered the gay community. Xander pitched in on Saturdays and Sundays, when he had mornings off, at local charities. He did a few stints going through the cancer wards at the local chapter of Carilion Hospital, bringing flowers and candy and balloons to children, men and women that he didn't know. The light in their eyes just knowing that someone hadn't given up on them was enough to leave him glowing for days.

The spirit of charity, Xander had discovered, is not forgotten. Habitat for Humanity was always looking for skilled construction workers like himself, and soon Xander was helping to build shelters for the homeless, donating man-hours and tools and money to the disaster victims in Florida and Louisiana after hurricanes hit them. When Christmas came around, Xander volunteered for the Salvation Army, standing on street corners with a bell to collect money to let those who had no homes find the spirit of giving.

Christmas Eve, when it snowed in Sunnydale, Xander went back to church for the first time since leaving Sunnydale.

_Life is like a gift, they say_

_Wrapped up for you everyday_

_Open up and find a way_

_To give some of your own_

Phoenix was a melting pot, of sorts, of settlers from all kinds of religions who were seeking the solace of the desert. It was a revelation to sit through a sermon by a preacher not bent on threatening hellfire but instead on focusing on the meaning of Jesus' parables, where women were allowed to preach, where some of the people in the church beside him were also gay. Xander met two women, Gloria and Annie, who had been a couple for thirty years.

There was a sweet sort of nostalgia in passing his spare money into the offering plate, memories of childhood evoked by flipping through the musty pages of the hymnal, singing the old verses. Xander volunteered at the church's food pantry service on mornings when he had time. As the new year progressed into spring, Xander felt like he was finally being reborn. That was when he first started sending postcards back to Sunnydale. He was pleased that he actually remembered Buffy's address; he figured that Joyce would send his message on to whoever had stayed there after graduation.

Xander graduated at the top of his GED class, and was granted his official certification stating that he had a high school level of education. He framed it with a wooden picture frame that he'd made himself, and hung it in the living room next to his prized picture of himself, Buffy and Willow. He hadn't hung up the picture of himself and Angel that Angel had insisted on taking in that silly photo booth at the Sunnydale Mall the day that they'd gone there. He kept that in a drawer, where he didn't have to see it and think about it every day.

_Isn't it remarkable?_

_Like every time a raindrop falls?_

_It's just another ordinary miracle today_

His entire body thrummed with the feeling of _Angel_ when Xander allowed himself to think about his last night in Sunnydale. The feeling of Angel holding him with his big strong arms, the promise...Xander had never removed his claddagh ring, which was nice; the few people who had tried flirting with him since he'd arrived in Phoenix assumed that he was married, so he didn't have to fend anyone off. And he would have fended them off, too—since Angel, Xander hadn't had eyes for anyone else.

He had no idea what he was going to do about Angel. He was the one thing that Xander couldn't move past; Angel was the one thing that Xander didn't _want_ to move past. His love for Angel was an anchor to him, even now. But what was he going to do? He had no idea if Angel was even _in_ Sunnydale anymore, or if...if Angel had moved on...The thought of Angel with someone else was enough to make Xander feel like he'd been punched in the heart, a hole left behind where something great used to be.

But...he didn't believe that Angel would have found someone else. They'd promised to find each other, hadn't they? If there was one thing that Xander had had faith in during those dark days in Sunnydale it was that he and Angel had been meant to find each other. There was something holy in the love in Angel's eyes when he'd looked at Xander, something pure and full of faith when Xander had just _known_ that Angel would be there with his dark eyes and beautiful smile outside of his window, waiting to take Xander away to some other magical night where anything was possible.

He thought of Gloria and Annie, how they'd stayed together so long, despite everything that had been stacked against them, and he felt hope. But for what? The future was vast and mysterious, but somehow, someway, Xander was sure that Angel was going to be there to help him find his way.

_Birds in winter have their fling_

_Will always make it home by spring_

_It's just another ordinary miracle today_

Xander was approached one summer day when he'd shucked his shirt off to hammer together some support beams by a charity company that he'd worked with before who wanted him for their hard-hat hunk calendar. Blushing profusely, Xander posed in a pair of ripped-up jeans with the button undone and a hard hat, with nothing else. The calendar sold well that year, and he got a free copy. He sent some of the pictures on to Sunnydale with a laugh.

_When you wake up everyday_

_Please, don't throw your dreams away_

_Hold them close to your heart_

_'Cause we're all a part of the ordinary miracle_

_(Ordinary miracle)_

_Do you want to see a miracle?_

Xander was amazed by how fast time was passing. The beginning of his second year in this strange little desert town was fast approaching, and something was coming with it – maybe another new beginning, or an ending? He didn't question the feeling; instead he followed his heart and went into the desert to pray.

The last time he'd been this far out, he'd been with Angel. He grinned as he thought of the surreal prom night that Angel had given him – the tuxes, the dinner, the dancing. He fingered his ring as he thought of Angel giving it to him. Things had been frozen in time that night, dancing on a promise. A ring of endless light...Xander sat down on top of a small butte and looked out over the desert.

The dryness was comforting, the heat sweltering. The sweat on his brow was natural, like when he sweated throwing up houses for the homeless. Xander took a swig of water out of his canteen and stared out over the endless dunes of sand. God's grace is in the desert, he thought – the way that each and everything is naturally itself to survive, living on short bursts of rain. The smell of creosote and cactus was clean and untouched by Phoenix's pollution, the desert its own shelter from humanity.

In the silence, Xander was free to lay back and let the sun fall down around him, enveloping him in the grace of God and the beauty of the earth, the simplicity of something free that he'd normally take for granted. His ring hummed oddly, and he smiled as he closed his eyes and dreamed of Angel.

_It seems so exceptional_

_That things just work out after all_

_It's just another ordinary miracle today_

The second year that he was there, Xander went out to the balcony and looked down at his lease, which was up in a month. He drank his coffee and watched the sun rise and he thought about the work that he'd done here, for himself but also for others. His time in Phoenix was coming to a close, but he was still waiting for something.

_The sun comes up and shines so bright_

_And disappears again at night_

_It's just another ordinary miracle today_

_It's just another ordinary miracle today._

* * *

The next day, Xander took a day off from both of his jobs. He stopped by the church and exchanged some banter with the pastor, but for the most part Xander realized that he was saying goodbye. He walked through the pews that he'd volunteered to clean, the hymnals that he'd sang from, the bibles that he'd read through. In that room, he'd helped children learn John 3:16 before taking them to the nearest playground and watching them run themselves out of energy under the gentle sun.

He left the church and passed by the Habitat for Humanity building, where he'd spent weeks helping to build for those who couldn't afford it. He walked past the Salvation Army building where he'd volunteered and donated and even donned the red suit and bell for Christmastime. The Food Pantry, where he'd handed out food to the homeless, the police station, where he'd helped a group throw a Christmas party to celebrate the Phoenix PD's service to the city that rarely thanked them.

He wasn't entirely surprised when he found himself at the shelter where he'd stayed his first night. Dr. Lenoy was free when Xander ducked into the room. He looked even more tan and fierce than he had to Xander's seventeen-year-old mind, but he smiled when Xander reintroduced himself. He surprised Xander by remembering him.

"My wife gets the hunk calendars," the doctor explained, and Xander felt himself blushing a fiery red. They talked for a few minutes, until the good shrink cut to the point. "You sound like you're saying goodbye, young man. Did you find what you were looking for?"

"Yeah, I think I did," Xander said after a moment. "I think you're right...that I'm ready to go back and face everything that I ran away from."

"You're one of the good ones, son," he said, clapping a hand on Xander's shoulder. "You understand that you have to face those things; a lot of people I see in here whining on and on don't really grasp that. You go where you need to go – it'll work out. Life usually does work itself out."

Xander left with a smile on his face and headed to Gracie's. He turned in his resignation after he made himself one last pizza. The manager was sad to let him go but she wasn't angry with him. She seemed to understand that he was going for a reason. Xander let the sun go down as he walked to his favorite place in the neighborhood – a small lake that was mostly man-made. There was a fountain in the middle, and the sounds of the water trickling back down was like a meditative beat from one of Willow's new-age CD's. He grinned, thinking of his red-headed "little sister," and wondered what she and Tara looked like now.

He fingered his ring and stared into the water, and he picked up a small flower that had nearly been crushed by someone's shoe. He smiled as he let the petals drift down into the water, wondering at the quirky order of God's earth when something as small and delicate as a flower will be brave enough to grow through the cracks of human harshness.

_Do you always trust your first, initial feeling?_

_Special knowledge holds truth_

_And bears believing_

_I turned around_

_And the water was closing all around_

Xander wasn't altogether surprised when he looked up and saw Angel staring at him from across the lake. His first steps were fairly halting, stumbling, but so were Angel's, the nervousness upon seeing each other slowly falling away as something familiar and powerful caught them up and then Xander was in Angel's arms and Angel's lips were upon his, a kiss sealing a promise kept at last, at last.

_Like a glove_

_Like the love_

_That had finally, finally found me_

_And I knew_

_In the crystalline knowledge of you_

_Drove me through the mountains_

_Through the crystal-like clear water fountain_

_Drove me like a magnet_

_To the sea_

They broke apart after a long moment but they didn't separate. Angel held Xander tightly in his arms, but Xander was amused to find that Angel just wasn't as massive to compare to himself anymore; the year or so of construction work had built him up. But there was a comforting sameness to having to tilt his head up to meet Angel's gaze, to the sheer size of Angel, still bigger than him, still holding him with support but also equality, because neither of them had to take care of the other one anymore.

There was a moment of perfect stillness when Xander just held on and breathed in Angel's scent, same and comforting as anything, and Angel's hands restlessly traveled over the muscled planes of Xander's back, reassuring himself that Xander was real, that Xander was _here_, and they were in each others' arms, and everything was right again, two lovers completed in a way that they hadn't been for two years, safe in each other in a way that they couldn't be otherwise.

"How did you find me?" Xander murmured into Angel's neck. He was relieved to find that the small growth spurt he'd gone through since last seeing Angel couldn't prevent him from finding that wonderful spot where he could rest his head in the hollow where Angel's neck met his shoulders where they fit together like two puzzle pieces.

"If I was blind I could see you," Angel whispered back into Xander's ear, the familiar deep husk of his voice sending pleasurable shivers down Xander's spine. "Less dramatically, I got Wesley's help."

"I liked the first part, though," Xander protested playfully. Angel chuckled, and he drew Xander back from him, his eyes searching over Xander's face, cataloging the changes, relieved to find the love in Xander's eyes lighting him up like a beacon in the warm night air. Xander, for his part, reveled in the feeling in Angel's eyes as he leaned in and kissed him again, nowhere near as desperate as their first. This was a kiss of intent, of feeling, and Angel was pouring part of himself into Xander and Xander sighed as he held Angel close, for once not gripped by the sort of sexual desperation that had seemed to plague him when he'd been around Angel before.

"I love you," Angel said simply, after a moment, as if he were explaining everything. Maybe he was.

"I love you, too," Xander said, letting Angel feel his claddagh against the other man's hand. Angel smiled shyly and took Xander's other hand in his and let Xander feel his ring, still on his finger, the heart still pointed toward Angel – _you wear it with the heart pointing towards you to show that you belong to someone..._

Xander took Angel's hand and led him back to his apartment.

_How the faces of love have changed,_

_Turning the pages_

_And I have changed, oh, but you,_

_You remain ageless_

_I turned around_

_And the water was closing_

_All around_

_Like a glove_

_Like the love_

_That had finally, finally found me_

It was about ten at night by the time that they made it in. Angel looked as exhausted as Xander suddenly felt, and Xander smiled to himself. "You get the bed," he said. Angel looked like he might protest, but Xander grinned. "Hey, it's _my_ turn to lend _you my_ apartment," he pointed out. Angel grinned at him in disbelief.

"Xander, we need to talk," he said after a moment, but Xander shushed him with a hand over his mouth.

"We're _way_ too tired to have that talk," Xander said decisively. "We'll talk tomorrow morning. I'm...off from work, anyway." He neglected to mention that he'd left his job at Gracie's like he'd somehow known what would happen today. He made up the bed, still thinking about that strange feeling that had slowly crept over him, as if he'd known exactly what the day would hold, that sense of saying goodbye. They didn't kiss goodnight, but that was okay. Neither of them were ready to sleep together again the way they had in Sunnydale, either, but that was alright too.

Xander had a feeling that everything was going to turn out alright, somehow, anyway. He closed his eyes on his sofa on an old life and prayed a prayer of thanks to God before he turned his head and went to sleep, the sound of Angel's deep breathing luring him to the land of dreams like a metronome. The two men fell asleep with a sound smile on their faces for the first time in two years as the day ended in the Valley of the Sun.

_And I knew_

_In the crystalline knowledge of you_

_Drove me through the mountains_

_Through the crystal-like clear water fountains_

_Drove me like a magnet_

_To the sea..._

**Songs used in this chapter:**

"Thank You" by Alanis Morissette [_Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie_]

"Ordinary Miracle" by Sarah McLachlan [_Rarities, B-Sides & Other Stuff, Vol. 2_]

"Crystal" by Stevie Nicks [_Practical Magic (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_]

**A/N:** You know, I kept stumbling over the part where they find each other again, because I wanted to make the whole thing so much more complicated than it was. Really, what else would they have done? I'm telling you guys, I'm having quite a few "duh!" moments while I hammer this out! And, just to warn people, there won't be a consummation for these poor peeps for a little bit while they hammer themselves out, along with a variety of other issues. For those of you looking for blatant Xangel porn, check out the bonus story I left you at the end of "Winter Song," because, trust me, we aren't going to see much else on that point for a little bit. Sorry! But not. ;)

Coming up next week: Angel and Xander's discussion, Angel's story, and what they decide to do then. See you in Chapter 2: The Here and the Now!


	3. Chapter 2: The Here and the Now

**A/N:** Hey, guys! Been awhile, hasn't it? Sorry about that, but over the holidays – I live up north – we got hit by a massive snowstorm and my internet went out. I didn't have a chance to fix it before the holidays came by, and then I was traveling. But, as I'm also starting the new semester on Monday, I got it fixed, so we'll be resuming regular weekly updating barring any further technological complications starting Monday the 11th. Thank you so much for your patience.

In other news, as I've really been out of the game for a while, I'm posting some additional fanfiction (nothing in the _Buffy/Angel_ 'verse, though) as a sort of happy holidays/return to regular programming gift – a new part of my ongoing set of pure fluff _Harry Potter_ ficlets titled "The Summer Series," as well as the beginnings of both a new _Charmed_ and a new _Dollhouse_ story that I'm writing. The next part in my alternate-season-one Xander/Angel stories is also being written as I type this author's note, so that just _might_ see the light of the internet by the end of the week if I've edited it to my satisfaction by that point. If you check my profile, this chapter update as well as the other stories should be available before midnight on Monday the 11th. Thanks again for your patience, as I know that me and my technological bumbling test it often.

Without making you wait any further:

_Crystal_

Chapter 2: The Here and the Now

_Rome wasn't built in a day,_

_So I'm not trying to say_

_That we'll be best friends right away, no;_

_But, I do recall better times,_

_So I'll just toss up the die_

_I'm taking my chances on faith..._

_._

_And I'll let my guard come on down_

_'Cause I want your love around_

_._

_I'm walking away_

_From my past pride_

_The here and the now's_

_What we'll make right_

_And if we get to see the morning light_

_Well, that's one more day we're blessed to try_

_So let's give our love a chance to try_

"The Here and the Now" by Sam & Ruby (_The Here and the Now_)

Xander woke up to the smell of scrambled eggs, and he muzzily lifted his head to see that he was in his living room, the clock on the TV glowing out a sadistic seven o'clock in the morning. _The hell?_ Xander wondered, and then last night rushed back to him like sunrise and suddenly he was smiling and the birds were singing and he felt somewhat gay at that last thought so he swung his legs out and stretched.

Angel's head appeared around Xander's kitchen doorway and he smiled to see Xander there, looking almost childish with his sleep-mussed hair and hazy grin on his face to the smell of cooking coming from the kitchen. "Do you want ketchup or syrup with your eggs?" Angel asked.

"I want to pee," Xander decided, and hurried to the bathroom. Angel shook his head fondly as he went back to the frying pan.

Two years ago, Xander had stayed over at Angel's apartment for the night. That morning Angel had kissed him awake, and they'd ducked and dodged around each other as they'd gotten coffee and gotten ready for the day. There had been such a comfort, a hominess, to each other's closeness, a feeling that they'd been living together for years. When Xander emerged from the bathroom he felt completely natural walking into the kitchen and around Angel as he helped him set the table on the balcony for two. Angel seemed to have made himself familiar with Xander's kitchen as he'd cooked, and he set the coffee up as Xander set the table and threw the egg and bacon trash away.

They couldn't seem to stop grinning like fools at each other as they "accidentally" brushed against each other when they passed, cleaning up after each other and then laying the food out. Xander poured coffee and orange juice and they toasted each other almost shyly as they started in on the spread.

"I didn't know you could cook breakfast," Xander said as he bit into a spicy-made egg.

"It's about the only thing that I actually know _how_ to cook without blowing up the kitchen, so I figured I'd pull the big guns out to impress you," Angel admitted, blushing. Xander hid his smile as he buttered his toast. For a moment there was silence while they ate, watching the sun slowly start to rise over Phoenix. "I can see why you sprung for the balcony," Angel said, taking a sip of juice. "I thought it would be noisier than this by now."

"We're not really in Phoenix proper," Xander explained. "I wanted to be in the suburbs – I'm not _quite_ big city yet. Don't really think that I ever will be."

"I thought you might have grown away from us small-town hicks," Angel joked, his foot nudging Xander's under the table.

"I tried, but you came and found me anyway," Xander joked back, stroking the top of Angel's foot with his own. Angel grinned and looked down, finishing up his food, but he didn't move his foot, and neither did Xander. There was a comfortable sort of silence for a moment as the sun shone through the windows. After breakfast, they both moved to clean, and again Xander was struck by the simple domesticity of it all as the dishes were cleaned and the table cleared. It was a pattern that he would love to be comfortable falling into. It was almost frightening, just like the kiss last night.

"What's wrong?" Angel asked him, almost psychically aware of Xander's mood shift. Xander smiled at him in a sad sort of way and filled up two coffee mugs and headed out for the balcony. Angel took his hand on the table and stayed silent as they drank.

"It's just..." Xander started after a moment."In Sunnydale, so much of me was devoted to getting out, you know? It was my big dream to get to college, to do something other than what my parents had mapped out for me. And now, it feels almost like it's still mapped out – like _you're_ mapped out for me, and it's so easy to feel...just like I did two years ago, but...but, I'm not that teenager anymore."

"So...you don't want to see me," Angel mumbled, looking down, which was sort of funny because he was still half a head taller than Xander and Xander found himself chuckling at how much like an abashed puppy Angel resembled.

"No, I'm saying that I don't understand what's happening any more than you do," Xander responded. "I don't know what comes next, but for the past two years I _have_ known what comes next. It's frightening. That doesn't mean that I don't want it, though." He stepped into Angel's personal space, forcing Angel to look him in the eyes. Angel smiled, still looking somewhat abashed, and Xander lightly kissed his cheek, letting his head rest against Angel's, lingering, but not overly intimate. Angel's arms wrapped around him loosely, but Xander could break away if he chose – in fact, Xander could end everything now, if he chose, and he knew that Angel would respect that.

Xander chose.

Angel kissed him back, humming a blissful sort of tune in the back of his throat, and Xander thought distractedly that he'd have to ask Angel how he managed to hum while his tongue was lightly tasting Xander's mouth, but then he lost the rest of the thoughts in his head while the burning, brilliantly bright sunlight rose over Phoenix.

**888**

"_Show me how you do that trick—_

_The one that makes me scream," she said_

"_The one that makes me laugh," she said,_

_And threw her arms around my neck_

_._

"_Show me how you do it,_

_And I promise you, I promise that_

_I'll run away with you_

_I'll run away with you"_

They ended up in the desert. Angel held Xander's hand the entire drive out there, still in his old, beat-up black convertible. They didn't talk, nor did they have to, other than Xander giving him directions to his favorite mesa. The sharp scent of cacti and creosote burned in Xander's nostrils, and he smiled as it overpowered the smog of the city. One thing he'd never gotten used to, living in such a larger city, was the near-constant smell of pollution, or how it could sometimes overpower everything else. The air of the desert was clean.

"Do you remember the last time we were in the desert together?" Angel asked him, after they'd settled on the hood of his car, watching the heat waves rise over the sand.

"You gave me this," Xander whispered, clenching Angel's hand tighter, so that Angel could feel his claddagh ring. Xander had never taken it off, not since the night that Angel had given it to him.

"You didn't take it off," Angel said happily.

"You told me that it was a promise," Xander reminded him. This was what this day had been wrapping towards, he realized, this conversation. So much hinged on it.

"I meant what I said," Angel said firmly. "I haven't taken mine off. Not since that night."

"Angel..." Xander sighed his name like a prayer, and maybe it was, the desert a temple, the sun like God's eye, the heat a sort of baptism.

"Xander, I've never, ever felt about anyone or anything the way that I feel about you. When I see you, it's like the rest of the world falls away," Angel said, sitting up. He drew Xander up so that they were both sitting cross-legged, facing each other. "These last two years, it's like I've been doing so much cleaning up in my life, like I was just...waiting for you to come home. I feel complete when I'm with you, and unless I'm wrong, you feel the same way about me."

"You're not wrong," Xander said simply. There were times, in his memory, when Xander was afraid that he'd over-exaggerated Angel in his memory, that the sensation of drowning in Angel's soulful brown eyes was just that – hyperbole, but it wasn't, and his memories weren't false. Angel was as beautiful as he remembered; or, actually, he was more. "You don't look like I remember you," he said aloud.

"What do you mean?" Angel asked, smiling bashfully. He hadn't let go of Xander's hand, though.

"You don't look haunted anymore," Xander said, running his free hand slowly over the carved planes of Angel's handsome face, watching Angel's eyes drift closed in pleasure. "You look...free, somehow."

"I am," Angel nodded, opening his eyes. He pressed a gentle kiss against Xander's palm. "After you left, I realized that you weren't the only one who needed time, to grow up, to get it together. I moved out of the old apartment. It just didn't feel right anymore."

"Where do you live now?" Xander asked curiously.

"Well, I stayed in a small apartment under Wesley's business for a few months, actually, while I was still going to school. After...what happened with Drusilla, he let her go. He gave me free rent and actually paid me to help him out on some cases, with Cordelia."

"Hold the phone – _Cordelia Chase_ works at a private investigator's office?" Xander asked incredulously.

"She's changed quite a bit – or, just become more what she was underneath it all, anyway," Angel nodded. "She started off as a secretary, but it's really her that runs the place now, especially now that Wesley's married. You'd really like Fred, actually; she reminds me of Willow."

"Wesley didn't strike me as playing for the home team," Xander said, surprised. Angel chuckled and drew Xander back down to laying down, curled into Angel's chest.

"Fred is a girl. Her name is Winifred. For obvious reasons, she shortened it," Angel explained. Xander sniggered into Angel's chest and Angel pressed a kiss against Xander's forehead. "Do you want to hear how the rest of them are doing? I know that you don't get a lot of news from the post box."

"You checked the post box, too?" Xander asked shyly.

"I have a picture of Mr. July hanging in my kitchen," Angel said slyly.

"Oh, jeeze," Xander moaned, hiding his blush in Angel's chest.

"I thought it was fairly sexy, too, with your tool belt and not much else on..." Angel continued meanly.

"It was for charity, okay?! Charity!"

"I'd like to join _that_ charity," Angel went on. Xander shot him a glare.

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" he demanded with a mock snarl.

"It's not so often I have the moral high hand over you, my beautiful golden boy," Angel said with a laugh, lightly drawing a finger over Xander's golden, sun-kissed skin. "I'm going to be holding this over your head for _months_." Xander thrilled at the thought of the two of them together for months, but they hadn't reached that part of the conversation yet, so he let it rest with a smile, and Angel followed suit.

"As you were saying," Xander said grandly after a moment, or he would have but a bit of wind kicked sand in his mouth and he started coughing as Angel laughed at him. Xander sighed. "I can't win," he muttered, leaning back into Angel. Angel chuckled, not meanly, as he lightly ran a hand through Xander's hair. Xander would have purred if he could.

_Spinning on that dizzy edge_

_I kissed her face, I kissed her head_

_Dreamed of all the different ways_

_I had to make her glow_

_._

"_Why are you so far away?" she said_

"_Why won't you every know_

_That I'm in love with you—_

_That I'm in love with you?"_

"As I was saying," Angel said pompously. Xander poked him in the stomach and Angel muttered something into his hair and tightened his grip on Xander's shoulders. "Wesley, Fred, Cordelia and one of their friends named Charles Gunn all work together at Angel Investigations. Cordelia won't allow them to change the name, but Wes _did_ at least put a stop to her wanting to use my face on their advertisements, thank god." Angel gave an eloquent shudder as Xander laughed at him.

"Willow and Tara have just built their first expansion on the Magic Box. You should see that place, Xander; it's enormous. They keep getting all these customers from out of nowhere. They built an apartment loft above the store, so they don't leave except to go to school. Mr. Giles runs the store for them during the day. He left the high school after you guys graduated. He said that he lost the taste for students, but everyone's pretty sure that it's just because he's practically adopted Buffy since her father pulled his vanishing act."

"How is Buffy doing with that? Joyce made it sound like she's coping," Xander asked hesitantly.

"Well, _Joyce_ certainly didn't shed any tears in public – not that she'd ever let the Sunnydale gossip hounds see her with her head down," Angel commented, sounding amused. "She's still holding everyone together at her house like she's running hostel. We all come and go when she commands. I think she's holding Thanksgiving at her house this year, actually. Buffy took it pretty hard, but she's trying pretty hard to play it off like it was nothing."

"I was so sorry that I missed her wedding," Xander whispered.

"They understand, you know, Xander," Angel said unexpectedly. "Why you had to leave. They aren't mad at you, if that's what you're afraid of. In fact, Cordy, Buffy and Willow all went through a few months at college where they barely spoke to each other. Everyone was just trying to figure their own lives out, and you needed to do that somewhere that wasn't Sunnydale. _I_ missed her wedding; I was still going to therapy and I didn't think that I was going to make it through without managing to find some way to blame all of Buffy's problems on me and our brief relationship."

"You went to therapy?" Xander asked, turning and repositioning himself so that he was staring into Angel's eyes.

"Yeah," Angel said lightly. "After you left, and I moved out of my apartment. I waited until I'd done all my prerequisite courses in college, and I was living on my own once I was making a steady paycheck, and then I started. My doctor's name is Jenny Calendar; she's pretty good. Well, she's really good. I didn't realize how much of myself I didn't like, or how much I was just keeping inside, hating myself. She drew it out of me. She got me smiling again, the way that you did. That's why I didn't look for you for so long."

They were approaching what they were really talking about, Xander knew, and he smiled at Angel encouragingly. "I just wanted you to know, Xander, that I couldn't keep my promise and find you until I'd found myself. I didn't want you to still be picking up the pieces of _my_ life. I wanted to keep the promise I made to you when I gave you that ring and really be there for you, and for _us_. I want there to be an us, Xander; I want it bad," Angel confessed.

Xander felt almost dizzy, like he was living in the now but also in a small, dingy apartment three years back, when he'd first kissed Angel, all that while ago. There was that same sense now, that they were both in a bubble that was holding the whole world back, and there was nothing there but the two of them. This time, Xander was not a frightened boy who didn't know or understand what he was feeling. Now, Xander was himself, more than he'd ever been. He knew what he wanted and what he felt, and why he was here, now, in this sunlight and this warmth rushing through his body, it _meant_ something. This time, Xander kissed _Angel_, and Angel sighed and pulled him closer, until two people were becoming one.

_You, soft and only_

_You, lost and lonely_

_You, strange as angels_

_Dancing in the deepest oceans_

_Twisting in the water—_

_You're just like a dream_

_._

_Daylight licked me into shape_

_I must have been asleep for days_

_I moved my lips to breathe her name_

_I opened up my eyes_

"I knew that you would come for me, one day," Xander said after a time. "I just...I didn't really know what I wanted when I was in high school. All I knew was that I loved you, and that I'd met you for a reason. But it wasn't...it wasn't all healthy, you know, the way that I felt about you?" He struggled to put it into words, but Angel was listening intently, and he was smiling encouragingly, not judging him, just letting him get everything out. Xander gave him a grateful look and squeezed his hand again as he looked out into the desert for inspiration.

"The thing is, I didn't just love _you_, I loved what you _were_," he said finally. "You were like this _force_, you know, pulling people in and giving me all the freedom that I didn't have. And I needed to find that freedom for myself instead of just letting you find it for me. So I couldn't call or write to you, when all I wanted some nights was to hear your voice, because I knew that I'd be using you as a crutch instead of learning to stand on my own two feet."

"I understand," Angel said quietly. "That's actually what Jenny told me, you know, when I didn't talk about you at first in our sessions, that I was keeping you like a crutch to fall back on. It took me a while to trust her enough to talk to her about you at all. It just seems so unbelievable, sometimes, the way that I met you and everything that happened after."

"Everything happens for a reason," Xander said simply. "After everything, I firmly and truly believe that. And I know now that I love you, just you, and that it isn't selfish anymore. I don't love you for me, I love you for you, if that makes sense at all."

"It makes perfect sense," Angel whispered. He kissed him again. Angel's kisses had changed, too, and Xander loved how they didn't feel _desperate_, anymore, the way they once had. It was so pleasurable, but there wasn't a pressure of sex anymore, there was just space to _feel_ behind those kisses, and it was even more beautiful than it was before. They were forging something new between them, and it was good, blessed, even. "I love you, Xander."

"I love you, Angel," Xander returned, and they laid back against the car and watched the sun rise higher. There wasn't anything else to say. There was just the heat and the warmth and the sound of the wind whispering to them, a secret song for only lovers to hear.

_I found myself alone, alone_

_Alone above a raging sea_

_That stole the only girl I loved,_

_And drowned her deep inside of me_

_You, soft and only_

_You, lost and lonely_

_You, just like heaven..._

**888**

They had dinner together back at Xander's apartment. Xander cooked dinner as Angel was looking very skeptically at an easy-fry bag, and Xander feared for his crockery, which he'd been forced to invest in. Looking sheepish, Angel vowed to buy dessert as revenge and vanished for a few minutes to the nearest store. He came back with Ben n' Jerry's Karmel Sutra. Xander had stared for nearly a minute. "I can't believe that you remembered," he said after a moment. He was surprised at the warm, fuzzy feeling going through his stomach at the thought.

"Those nights, with you, going out, and the lunch dates...Xander, you were the first spark of sunlight on my life in a very, very long time. I remember everything about those dates," Angel said quietly, ducking his head again, which wasn't enough to stop Xander seeing how his eyes were glittering. Xander quietly put the dessert away in the freezer and went back to cooking.

They ate out on the balcony again, after the sun had set. The lights of the city flickered on around them, bathing them in electric fire to match the candlelight that Xander had set up in the middle of the table. "One last question, really," Xander said, forking in some noodles (he'd made pasta). "How did you find me, when you did come?"

"It wasn't hard, really. I remember that you told me that the phoenix was your favorite fairy tale when you were a kid, that a mermaids. I ruled out you moving to an island because those are expensive, so that left Phoenix. After that I just called the company that did your calendar and made sure that you actually were living in the city," Angel explained.

"You _did_ pick up on some PI tricks from Wesley," Xander said, weirdly turned on at the thought. Angel caught the look in his eyes and blushed a fiery crimson, which was an interesting sight considering how pale Angel was. Xander took a quick bite of meatball. "What do you do now, for work?" he asked, partly to make conversation and partly to cover up his own embarrassment.

"Well, I still do some jobs with Wesley. I get financial aid to go to college, and I'm working on my degree to work with different decorating companies, making designs. I've sold some artwork here and there along the way," Angel said. "I'm not doing too bad for myself, all things considered."

"I've got a lot of experience in construction. I figure I can find plenty of jobs in Sunnydale when I apply at the college, now that I've got my GED," Xander said casually, drinking some milk. Then, what he'd said registered, that and the fact that Angel was staring at him, his eyes wide.

_Do you ever have that dream_

_Where you're walking naked down the street—_

_And everyone just stares?_

_Do you ever feel so deep_

_That you speak your mind_

_But others stray to sleep—_

_And you wonder if anybody cares?_

Angel was moving before Xander could really blink and he was kneeling next to Xander's chair, staring up at him almost as if he were proposing, and Xander tried to ignore how hard his heart fluttered at the thought. "Do you mean it, Xander? Really mean it? You want to come back?"

Did he? Was it as inevitable as it seemed? No, not inevitable – that was how Xander had been thinking of this. It was more...meant. The phoenix was the symbol of rebirth, of a life burned to ashes and new hope rising from the remains, much like the Lord Christ Himself. He'd done his time in Phoenix, Xander realized, and he'd said goodbye. There was new life, new light to be found elsewhere, and there was a brilliant, strong, kind, and beautiful man who loved him – really loved him – who wanted to find it with him, and that meant more to Xander than anything else.

"No," he said, taking Angel's hands in his. He slid off of his seat and knelt next to Angel, their foreheads touching, a connection, a promise between them flowing like faith and trust. "I want to go back _with you_." It was important to make that distinction, and it was apparently important to both of them, because Angel was kissing him with just a touch of that old desperation, but it was an anchor, a promise that they had the rest of their lives to keep and Xander held Angel tight while his heart beat like a drum.

_Do you ever go downstairs_

_To start your day, but your car's not there?_

_Yeah, you know the joke's on you_

_Do you ever try your luck_

_With a pick-up line, but you just sucked?_

_You tell yourself it wasn't you_

They cleaned the kitchen together, trading jokes, smiles, casual touches and easy glances. Xander found himself cataloging the things about his apartment that he was going to miss, but there weren't as many as he'd thought. What he could get used to was the way that Angel got the tired old dishwasher to work on the first try, or the way that colliding next to the sink turned into a caress, or how reaching up to get the dish soap turned into a kiss.

It wasn't about sex, a real relationship, Xander mused. It was about the simple things, the joy of being with each other, the domesticity of living together. This was something he was looking forward to getting used to. There were still questions to be answered, and battles to be won, but somehow, with Angel by his side, Xander had a feeling that he'd still be standing in the end.

_It's all a state of mind_

_But I don't mind_

_Trying to find a way to keep my head above_

_The mess I've made_

_Of what the world creates—_

_And sometimes it feels so good_

_To let it all fall_

_As it will fall_

_I will fall_

_We all will fall_

_And then the world comes tumbling_

_Down, down, down, down, down_

They still slept in separate rooms that night, which felt right. Xander knelt by his sofa and closed his eyes that night. _Dear Lord, thank you. Thank you for...everything, everything that I don't deserve and for letting me help those that deserve but don't get. Thank you for Angel, for love, for everything. Let me find that home I've been dreaming of in Sunnydale. Show me the way._ Xander closed his eyes listening to Angel's breaths from the next room, and he fell asleep with a smile on his face as he dreamed not of the past but the future, a future that suddenly seemed bright, clean, and blessed.

_I'm bare naked_

_And I just can't take it_

_I'm getting jaded; no, I just can't fake it anymore_

_'Cause I'm_

_Bare naked_

_And I know_

_Life's what you make it_

_Wish I could float away_

_To some other day..._

**A/N:** I've sort of sewn in my own love of the desert into this story, so sorry if that shines through too much. I'm reading this back and it feels sort of rushed, which I hope it doesn't come out as, so if there are any problems with it please tell me in the reviews so that the next chapter can get better editing. In any case, there are _major_ props given to "Just Like Heaven;" though I did listen to the other songs during this chapter, I literally had "Just Like Heaven" on repeat for 4/5 of the chapter while I was writing it.

**Coming Next Week: It's road trip time! Xander and Angel have some bonding moments on the road home, and Tara gets some time to reflect on the past two years before she makes a momentous decision.**

**Songs used in this chapter:**

"The Here and the Now" by Sam & Ruby (from _The Here and the Now_)

"Just Like Heaven" by The Watson Twins* (from _True Blood: The Soundtrack to the HBO Original Series_)

"BareNaked" by Jennifer Love Hewitt (from _BareNaked_)

*This version of "Just Like Heaven" is a very slow, down-tempo southern-style version of this song, complete with piano, acoustic guitar, and harmonica, sung by female vocals. It's the most incredibly relaxing, beautiful love ballad I have. It's important to note that I used this version, because the original song is by The Cure, and it's an up-tempo punk rocker. Either way, it's an amazing song, but if you use the original by The Cure, it won't fit into the music choices for the rest of this chapter at all. But still, probably my favorite Cure song that I've ever heard. This version of "Just Like Heaven" is also available on their mainstream debut album _Fire Songs_.*


End file.
